TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical development-slash-luxurious real estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're conversing Damascus, the town historically known for historic lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be remarkable. Remarkable!" Trump declared by using a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed through the putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have had stunning ceasefires in Syria. A few of the very best. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and totally out of area. Created by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A 3-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 a long time for potable h2o. But Sure, positive, let us have A different put where American Males can don robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace endeavor considering that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst prior negotiations failed below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is simpler: present Anyone a suite about the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is comfortable electrical power," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock wants fewer diplomats plus more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every single device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire mentioned, "It's actually not that Trump should not open up a tower in the war zone. It truly is that he must stop applying it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the venture, replied, "You recognize, male, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Good folks. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head seen from space, a attribute being promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents and the chin is… very well, classified.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits soon after getting the constructing's gold plating mirrored much daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It truly is not just unpleasant. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Complicated Options


Probably the strangest factor in the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium wherever guests could ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, full with climate Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Community Syrians are unsure what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Tactic: "If You Bomb It, They'll Come"


The ad marketing campaign, recently leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is For good."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "wherever's the nearest elevator to the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is currently attracting notice from Global buyers, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll acquire a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial stage will even involve:




  • A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Determined by the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to discover a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a hotel exactly where my PTSD can have turn-down service."


Another post from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Stories advise:




  • Trump Tower Damascus

    China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to make a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Last Views from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that included three camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It essential gold. It needed a waterslide shaped such as Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You might be welcome."

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